Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
