Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
