if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
