Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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