I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize