I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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