i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
