Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
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It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
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I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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