If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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