her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
