I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
