Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
