You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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