So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
