come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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