There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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