I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
