so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
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he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
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His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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