I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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