I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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