In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
