i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
