im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Randomize
