I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
