We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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