I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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