Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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