I am puke
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
