pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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