My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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