LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
