apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
