So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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