I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
