Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
