I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
