Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
