quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
