I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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