So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
