Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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