There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
