we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
