Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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