someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
