I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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