tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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