You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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