I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
