I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
