When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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