I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
