I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Randomize
