I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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