Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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