went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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