After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
